[ EST. WHENEVER ] / CALIFORNIA / PROBLEM APPAREL DIVISION
Seven shirts for people who escalate. Luxury-weight cotton, internet-poisoned graphics, and a price so low it's basically a personality disorder.
[ LIVE 3D GARMENT / WEBGL ]
[ THE LINEUP / 07 UNITS ]
Every design is a documented incident. Wear it as a confession.
You said one (1) reasonable thing this morning and then it was over. The gargoyle has the conch now. Comes pre-loaded with zero impulse control.
DX: ROOT CAUSE: nobody told him no
ASSET e1e4bf1a-9f88-45e7-afc4-9c07e01ce831
Arrived 40 minutes late, ate the appetizers, announced he can't stay long, stayed four hours. The wolf knows what he did. The wolf will do it again.
DX: ETA: was never coming
ASSET 8837e846-ec4e-4366-8f5e-93aba3e650f2
You wronged him in the group chat and now there are subpoenas. Objection overruled. The defendant (you) is found guilty of being so annoying.
DX: VERDICT: guilty, lol
ASSET 48ecb53c-6dc5-4c2a-a321-1c709acc9521
Someone took the parking spot. The response was a freight truck driving into a volcano. Proportionality is a coward's metric.
DX: BLAST RADIUS: unreasonable
ASSET 62e77b76-7025-48eb-a194-859459d0960f
Rode a mechanical dragon into battle and immediately needed the bathroom. His stomach hurts. He will not be elaborating. Glory is on hold.
DX: STATUS: tummy issues, mid-quest
ASSET 32448961-3d47-4949-afec-ecfb58faffaf
Powerful enough to level a city, devastated by a slightly cold text reply. Crying tears of actual blood about it. Devastatingly strong, emotionally drywall.
DX: HP: full / EMOTIONAL HP: zero
ASSET e9050378-d80f-4103-84d7-a8e002a35fc8
He smells like onion. He is aware. He is drinking milk about it through sunglasses indoors at night. The confidence is, frankly, illegal.
DX: AROMA: present / REGRET: absent
ASSET 0df6aacf-9bf4-4cdc-8d65-6297c30103bc
CLASSIFIED
Too unhinged for the public catalog. Maybe next incident.
[ OURA SLEEP-DEBT / GLITCH ENGINE ]
Your ring synced. The numbers are in. Drag the sleep-debt up and watch the interface dissolve exactly as fast as you are.
higher debt = more page melt, blur and skew. 100 = full dissolve.
[ CLAVICULAR FRAME-MOG / SIMULATOR ]
Pick a subject. Crank the clavicle. Apply bonesmashing power. Watch the frame mog in real time. Purely cosmetic - nobody’s bones are real.
MARVIN is acceptable doorway clearance.
[ DEPOSITIONS / 5-STAR DISASTERS ]
“Wore SILLY BILLY MODE to a funeral. Now I run the funeral.”
Marvin
eating Sweetgreen, alone, 11:58pm
“Bought all seven on the one-cent plan. My quarterly returns have never looked worse.”
Spark Capital
in shambles (allegedly)
“The Honda Beat is clapped but the FRAGILE BOY tee is immaculate. Priorities.”
Aaron's clapped Honda Beat
0-60 in roughly never
“Went to the mechanic alone wearing BATHROOM COWARD. Felt seen. Cried in the waiting room.”
Drew
going to the mechanic, by himself
“I do smell like onion. The sunglasses make it cinematic.”
Verified Wolf
drinking milk, indoors, at night
“Objection. The shirt is too good. Overruled. The shirt remains.”
The Honorable Grim Reaper
presiding, eternally
* All reviewers are inside jokes who consented in spirit. Probably.
[ MEME_MACHINE / GENERATOR ]
Pick a target, pick a crime, hit scramble. The machine renders your accusation in official BE THE PROBLEM® livery. Copy it. Post it. Cause it.
Marvin
...is eating Sweetgreen alone in the rain.
AND THAT'S A PROBLEM.
BE THE PROBLEM® / AUTH#1000 / NOT FINANCIAL ADVICE
[ INPUTS ]
Build a verdict. Slander a friend. Wear the consequence. All names here are inside jokes, not real accusations - mostly.
800 possible problems and counting
[ PROBLEM+ SUBSCRIPTION ]
$0.01 / mo. That's the whole pitch. Unlimited problems, members-only incidents, and the smug satisfaction of a recurring charge too small for your bank to bother declining.
PROBLEM+
$0.01 / mo